Maintaining Balance – VeganMofo Day 5

The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.”
~Euripides

Image by Hans_S

Lovely words, but they refer to something that is not simple or easy – balance.  I am going to tell you right now, I’m not a superstar at balance.  It’s something that I have to work on and an area in which I often feel I have/am falling short.  So, this post is not (as most of my posts are not) written from a state of expertise, but of someone who is trying to figure it out myself and working through it in an ongoing process.

In my own life, there are three primary areas where I notice balance cropping up again and again over the last few years.  These are work/home life, relationship with food, and yoga.

The work/home element is probably the most thorny and its impacts on others most easily seen.  My job is fairly high stress.  It’s more than full time.  I am expected to be available pretty much continually for serious issues that arise.  This leads to me carrying a mobile phone with me at all times to receive emergency calls or crucial emails.  Wait.  Look back at that last line.  “Crucial emails” is what I said.  If something is so crucial that I need to respond to it immediately on a Sunday afternoon, why would it come in an email?  Why would it not be a phone call?  Yeah, I don’t know either.  But, I know that the line between crucial and somewhat important is very blurry.  I find that, because I’m always “on” email, the pressure to respond very quickly has actually increased.  I find myself answering emails while having an evening out, during a conversation with my spouse, and even from bed.  This isn’t very good work/home balance.  On the other hand, there are times when I’m at work and completely preoccupied with what I need to buy to fill school supply lists (maybe even shopping online), having a phone discussion with my spouse, or messaging with one of my kids.  This is also not so great.  For most of us, work is a necessity, but it also fulfills some of our non-fiscal needs for accomplishment, connection, impact, etc.  Even if we could, we might not want to let it go.  So, we have to continue to figure out how to balance these two realms of our lives, acknowledging that they cannot be kept completely distinct, but enacting each role to the fullest at the times where we are engaged in it.  Not easy.

With food, balance is also crucial.  Over the last 30 years of my life, I’ve been on any number of “diets” that restricted a particular category of food (or limited diet to one or two items), starting with the “Cabbage Soup Diet” in 1979.  Low carb, low fat, high carb, high fat, raw only, juice only, I’ve done it.  And none of these extremes have ever really “worked” for me.  Yes, I’ve lost a lot of weight over the years, but I’ve lost the same weight over and over.  And I’ve ended up a person with some serious food issues.  Now, I’m a vegan.  This may seem to some like a very extreme diet choice, but there are so many possibilities available for vegan eating  (see But What Can I Feed You?), that I don’t think so.  Even here, however, balance is needed.  Vegans need to be sure, like everyone else, to consume a diet balanced in the nutrients, fats, and carbohydrates that lead to a healthy body.  I even would say that some balance is needed in the overall enactment of veganism.  Activism is great, and there is a place for it.   But, lecturing a colleague who orders a turkey sandwich for lunch or railing at a vegetarian for not being vegan enough are unlikely to lead to anything but hostility and guilt – not so productive.  A balance between advocacy for a vegan lifestyle and acceptance of other choices should be practiced.

Image from YogaJournal

And last, yoga.  There is philosophical balance to be struck in yoga (How much practice is healthy and can it become an obsession?  What ideas/philosophies serve you and which do not?  What practice forms do I believe best and how can I still respect other forms?).  And then there is the physical issue of balance.  This too is a struggle for me, literally.  I find it difficult to balance.  I think I always have, but it seems to be getting worse.  Sometimes I can blame it on having RA and the pain associated.  For example, if my foot joints are inflamed, its very hard to maintain vrksasana (tree pose) because of the pain.  But, I often find myself falling over in poses that seem to not trouble most people – virabhadrasana (warrior 1), parivrtta trikonasana (revolved triangle), parivrtta parsvakonasana (revolved side angle), and so on.  Some days in class, I feel that I spend a lot of time teetering over toward one side or the other, and probably distracting the heck out of the people around me.  Is it age?  Is it having RA?  Is it the other balance issues I experience being embodied in my practice.  I don’t know.

Balance is a challenge, but if we can achieve more of it, we can better stretch and grow in all directions, without losing any part of our lives or becoming overly attached to others.  In what ways do you struggle with balance and how do you attempt to address it?

Namaste,

L

Losing Your Voice

A voice cannot carry the tongue and the lips that gave it wings.
Alone must it seek the ether.
And alone and without its nest shall the eagle fly across the sun
~Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes it’s easy to let your voice be heard, and sometimes it’s not. Where those moments appear is different for each person, and even changes for each person over the life course – from time to time, from relationship to relationship, from setting to setting, from topic to topic, and so on.

Photo by Yugenro

We spent a lot of time with ourselves (all of it, right?), so we may think that we know what kind of instances are easy for us to find our voices and what kind of instances are difficult. But, as with everything in life, sometimes there are surprises.

I’m, to put it bluntly, a big mouth. I have thoughts about most everything and I’m usually not afraid to share them, in written form or oral. Friends who have met me online before meeting me face to face have been surprised that I’m not bigger than I am and that my voice isn’t deeper, because my “voice” in terms of being forceful in my communication is strong. This week, however, I had two different specific experiences where I felt like I lost my voice. One fell into the category of a predictable loss, while the other was quite unexpected.

The first event related to my job.  I found myself needing to support someone’s right to speak an unpopular opinion.  Being a communication scholar, I’m rather fond of the First Amendment, so I would have not expected it to be difficult for me to find my voice about this issue.  But, because the opinion that had been expressed was very counter to my own beliefs, it was shockingly difficult, and even more so because what I needed to say went against the reactions of some others in the organization.  It was tricky and I noticed that, though I would begin an interaction with some degree of confidence, I kept quickly losing my voice and really needing to work to find it.  Interesting.

The second experience was more expected for me.  I love music, a lot.  But, I don’t sing.  I was told at an early age that I’m tone deaf, and though I don’t even really fully understand what that means, it has become a part of my understanding of myself.  I also had a friend, who I love dearly, tell me a few years ago that I sound like Minnie Mouse.  The combination of those two things has pretty much assured that I will never sing in public.  I don’t karaoke.  I don’t sing happy birthday at a party (unless I can basically just talk the words).  I don’t sing the alma mater at university events.  I do not sing in public, with the exception of at rock concerts where it is so loud that I know no one can hear me.  Thus, I was not shocked to find it extremely difficult to find my voice for chanting in Sanskrit during yoga teacher training.  I could hear the rhythm and the words in my head very clearly, but as soon as I opened my mouth, the voice that came out was soft and timid and very unsure.  Over the course of the class, I got more comfortable chanting with the group (again, hard to hear my voice mixed in with the others) but when time came for me to lead a chant, my voice disappeared again.

Having a voice, not necessarily in the physical sense but in the psychological/relational sense, is important in our well being and in our relationships in the world.  When we butt up against obstacles in finding our voices, we need to think about what is keeping us from finding that voice and what we can do to set it free.  For these two events, I’m pretty sure that the issue is my worry about how others will perceive me.  I know it, but I haven’t been able to let it go – yet.

Where do you lose your voice?  What do you think causes it?  What are you “doing” about it?

Namaste,

L

Time’s A’Wastin’

Photo by Ian Britton - Available at freefoto.com

After our discussion in YTT class this week regarding Asteya (non-stealing) and how it relates to the use and abuse of time, I’ve been thinking about the issue of my own response to time quite a bit.  I will fess up right now that I’m not the best when it comes to using time – my own or the time of others.

I used to always be the early bird.  I got to everything 10-15 minutes before I needed to be there.  I was that person circling the block because I had gotten to a party SO early that I couldn’t go in.  And then, I had kids.  My ability to get places early went fast, and my ability to even arrive on time was right after it.  Now, I say ability, but that’s not totally true, is it?  It’s a matter of the choices that I make.  I have a tendency to think that I need to fill every single minute with “getting something done.”  If I have 10 minutes before a meeting starts on the other side of campus, and it takes me 7  minutes to walk there, then I have 3 minutes to fill.  That’s enough time to answer an email, right?  Wrong.  Very very wrong.  So, I answer that email.  But, then once I start it turns out that the answer is more complex than I thought, because I don’t want to misspeak or say the wrong thing or have bad grammar.  And, I’m certainly not walking away from my desk with an email half sent.  With one eye on the clock and one on the monitor I keep typing.  I rationalize it to myself, “Ok, seven  minutes left – I can still make it.  Six minutes – If I walk fast, I’ll get there and this email task will be done too!  Five minutes – Ok, I’m going to be a minute late, but most everyone else will be too.”  You see where this is going, right?  Pretty soon, I find myself almost running across campus (in a suit and dress shoes), sweating and worrying about who is going to be there to see me coming in late.  Ouch.  And, the truth is, that’s often what I’m worrying about.  It’s not so much that I worry that I am wasting someone else’s time or that I’m disrespecting the value of their time.  I worry that I might look bad for being late.  Did I say ouch yet?

I’m not very good at valuing my own time either.  My schedule this semester is tight.  Most days, I have 7-8 hours at the office, 1-2 hours at the yoga studio, 1.5 hours in travel time, 2-3 hours of work at home.  That’s about half the day fully occupied.  Then throw in an hour to get kids going in the morning and an hour to get me going.  Dinner prep and serve is another hour.  Then yoga homework, house chores and the like another.  And, somewhere in there are the family interactions, helping with homework, chatting with the spousal unit, hugging a kid, brushing a dog, petting a cat, and so on.  That leaves me almost enough time to get in a full night of sleep.  But do I?  No.  I do not.  Instead, I watch TV or Facebook or Tweet or text or doodle around online.  I’m currently also crocheting a sweater that I’m not enjoying, so it’s super slow but I’m compelled to keep working because I don’t like giving up.   I’m not saying that I shouldn’t use any time just to mess around, but if the point of that is really to relax, then is spending an hour looking for the perfect floorlamp for my office really the best way to do that?

I’m sure at least some of this is because my sense of time is messed up.  I’ll bet I’m not alone in that.  During home yoga practice today, I used a metronome to keep myself honest about length of poses and breaths and I found that I don’t have a very good sense of how time is passing.  Maybe this is because, as a fully immersed member of my culture, I’ve embraced the habit of always being on to the next thing while I’m doing the first thing.  It’s pretty hard to feel a moment passing when you aren’t really even “in” that moment.  I’m working on changing that, but 40+ years of practice takes some serious undoing.

As with a lot of my posts, I’m not sure exactly where I’m going with this!  But, I do think that I will keep working on my own “time management” (in the sense of being in it instead of trying so hard to bend it to my own will) by slowing down where I can, being willing to leave some moments empty of tasks, and working that metronome to help me measure my breaths and my moments a little better until I can regain my internal ability to even them out and not rush through some while trying to drag out the others.

Time is a brisk wind, for each hour it brings something new… but who can understand and measure its sharp breath, its mystery, and its design?
~ Paracelsus

Namaste,

L