I’ve written about this before (here, for example), but I think it’s a topic worth coming back to. I know that I continue to struggle with it on a daily basis, and judging from things like this post from my wonderful Ironwoman friend Maria, I’m not alone.
Sometimes, it’s just not easy to tell what it is your body needs. I woke up this morning with the same stomach ache that I’ve had for almost three weeks (due to iron supplements – long story – I’ve been living on crackers and the occasional toast). My left hip was killing me and I hadn’t slept well. My right shoulder is also being screwy and started giving me pain as soon as I got out of bed and gravity hit. And, for a little extra woohoo, my head hurts. Yeah, I’m a pathetic mess. But, here is the catch, I’m trying to go to yoga on Saturday mornings. I used to be able to go on Friday mornings, but this semester I teach too early to do that. Friday night is an option, but last night I had an event to attend until 11. That leaves Saturday morning. So, I got out the yoga clothes and went downstairs and made a cup of tea and some toast. And then I sat down at my desk to check email and work on convincing myself to go to class. That went on for about an hour. And then I gave it up. I admitted to myself that going to class was not the best choice, and that my body was in no shape to complete a full vinyasa class in any manner that would really bring me closer to peace and union. But, I can’t lie, I was still (am still) not happy about it. A bit later, when I napped for a short period, my dreams were full of what a horrible yogi I am. Clearly, I still have some things to work out.
In some ways, I wonder why this respecting the needs of the body is so hard. But, in other ways, I know. We are taught, so early, to ignore the body. We eat and sleep at prescribed times and not according to the body clock. We feed the body food that has been processed so much that it is without nutrient instead of the foods it naturally needs. We spray it with chemicals to prevent it from smelling even remotely like a human mammal body. We push it to be a certain size because that is socially acceptable, regardless of where the body’s natural set point for size might be. We shut the body up and shut it down in so many ways; it’s no wonder that we have trouble hearing it even when we want to.
My challenge is, and perhaps will always be, to practice ahimsa with my body. To hear what my body has to say without judging it. To take its needs and requests seriously. To give my body a “day off” when it needs it. And to let myself be if my body doesn’t always match up to what I want it to be and do. As I sit here at my desk writing this post, noticing that my work schedule is going to prevent yoga on Monday and trying to avoid letting that put me back into a bad place about not going today, I know that this is likely to be a lifelong practice. Perhaps this journey is my destination.