me – Page 2 – The VeganAsana

I’ve mentioned before on this blog that I have a little competitive streak. Well, I’m not sure it’s competition exactly, because it would be ok with me if everyone was the best at everything. I just want to be really good at anything I do. Since I’ve also grown up in a culture that believes in a consistent “self” at the center of being (even though I’ve been teaching about the absence of this center for 20+ years now), this has led me to reject – wholesale – activities that I’m not “good at,” in an assumption that I will never be so. Sports is (are?) an example.

In school, I was really awful at sports, with the exception of individual things like archery and bowling. Anything that involved speed or hand/eye coordination was a big no. I always felt conspicuous and things like picking teams made me want to fade into the floor. After high school was over, I tucked sports into the “things I don’t do” category. The only exceptions made where for individual activities that I felt like I had a shot at doing well in. I biked, because what I lacked in speed I could make up in determination. I lifted, because my upper body isn’t so strong, but my leg muscles like nothing better than to bulk up into huge knots (little did I know that this would be to my later sadness in yoga). I avoided any sort of team sport or casual sport like it was a plague. This was “me.”

And then yoga came along. At first, it was about feeling better from RA pain. And then it was about seeing what my body could do. And then it was about calm and peace. And eventually, it was about yoga. I’m not saying that there aren’t still days when I get annoyed at myself because I can’t do a pose or feel envious that someone else can, but I don’t see those things as “me.” I just see them as the moment. Yoga does that for me, because on any one day, I’m a different me than I was the day before in a class, and I’ll be different again tomorrow. My mind has a different texture, a different process, a different sense of the world. In one class, I find it easy to be on my mat (mentally) and keep my focus in the present. In the next session, I can’t stop worrying about work, or the curtains I’m sewing for the family room. My breath will happily stay in ujjayi for a whole practice on Wednesday, and then on Friday I cannot maintain it for 2 breaths in a row. My body can do a pose one day and then refuse to do it completely the next day (in fact, last Friday, it did a move 3 times in one hour, and then the following hour couldn’t even approach it). It will shock me completely by going into a complicated arm balance on one side, and then refuse to even consider vasishtasana on the other side.

I guess if I was really intent on maintaining the sense of a core self, this would bother me. But, I’m not. I’ve rejected (rationally, at least) that idea for many years, so this simply reaffirms for me an idea that the self is not at the center (though I do believe that the Self – in the sense of the connection to the greater or divine – is there, but that isn’t about personality traits or abilities). And it’s so freeing. I don’t know what my body, mind, breath will be like tomorrow, or even in 10 minutes – not much sense fretting about it. There is a certain peace in that. The world of possibility is there. There is a certain excitement in that.

I love yoga. Have I mentioned that?

Namaste,

So, as I have mentioned, I spent the past few days at an academic conference in my field. These conferences are always an odd experience for me. I wouldn’t say that are bad, because I enjoy the things I learn, the time spent with friends and colleagues I don’t get to see much, and often (though not this time) exploring whatever city I’m in. But, they are odd because they bring up a wash of not-so-pleasant self-evaluations every time.

Even though I don’t logically really expect or want a lot of attention, at conferences I always find myself feeling a little disappointed or ashamed that I have not accomplished more with my career. It’s funny, because some people would probably say that I’ve done plenty. Yet, in those moments, I feel like I should have researched harder, published more, made more of a name for myself, struggled more diligently to rise in the leadership of the organizations, etc.

It would be tempting to say that this is about career, but that is not true. I get the same way about other things. I have a favorite band that I adore. In the past decade, I’ve seen many shows and even gotten to see several shows on one tour in the front few rows. Eventually, I started to feel that I had to be close to the front. And then, someone in the band acknowledged my presence and that became the new standard of a “good show.” Over time, even that didn’t feel like enough. What did I really want? To meet the band? To have my picture taken with them? I don’t know. Again, logic tells me that I’m not going to suddenly be their very best friend, and I’m not even sure that I want to. But that vague sense of needing to do/be more crept in and started to rob each concert experience of the joy in the moment. I had to take a step back from my attendance at shows and following the band’s progress to shake myself out of it.

I don’t think I’m the only one that gets like this. It can happen in work, in family life, or even in “leisure activities.” It’s easy enough to lose track of the general benefits of yoga, running, swimming, playing music, and get overly involved in the winning or recognition. I’ve seen it in others, and I’ve seen it in myself. Certainly in blogging, the competitive and recognition driven “me” can rise to the surface extremely easily.

Thinking about how this manifests itself in my own behavior and the behavior of those around me makes me wonder… Do we, as a culture, encourage this focus on recognition by the way that we interact and raise children? Does the giving of awards for everything from finger painting skill to being on the t-ball team to “most improved science student” create people who have trouble being satisfied with where they are but instead yearn for the 15 minutes (or 15 months?) of fame that we think we are due?

Perhaps the way to change this is to put our focus, from childhood on, onto the experience itself, rather than the external outcomes. Maybe we can’t completely get away from the desire for external motivators, but at least we might be able to reduce the stifling of the intrinsic value of our actions, and of our being.

Meanwhile, I may never be the band’s best friend, the foremost scholar in my field, a yogi rockstar, or the biggest vegan/yoga blogger evah, but my life is pretty darn great and I’m going to try to keep myself in a headspace where I can remember that!

Namaste,

Tag Archives: me

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