Tag Archives: life

Yoga is Not a Checkbox Item

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to-do-listI love lists. Really, I do. I have at least 8 things to say about how much I love lists, but I’ll try to keep it a little more brief than that.

Lists make me feel like I’m organized, even when I’m not. Lists break up what can feel like an unconquerable mass of tasks into reasonable parts that I can cope with. Lists help me allocate my time. Lists help me prioritize. Lists give me a visual sense of where I am in a day/week/month/job. Lists give me a sense of accomplishment when I can check items off.

Really, the only thing I don’t like about lists most of the time is that I haven’t figured out how to effectively use my iDevices voice recognition features to make and manage lists (maybe I need an app for that – got one?).

I’m also very goal oriented. I like to have clear goals and I like to meet them.

Sometimes, in my yoga life, these two things combine in a way that is not ideal. I have a general goal for how often I would like to do yoga in a week. And, sometimes, I can slip into the mindset that I need to “check off” yoga on my list of things to do. I start to want to get the yoga done just so that I can mark it off the mental list.

That’s a problem, in many ways. It causes me to be overly focused on the “get it done” aspect of yoga, so that I forget to pay attention to the “every moment” part of it. It pushes me to take yoga classes even on days when my body might not be willing or able to do so safely. It causes me to become anxious or angry when I have to miss a class. These aren’t very yogic outcomes.

Ultimately, doing yoga is a process. It is a doing, and not a done. The practice is ongoing, and not constrained to a particular class or a particular pose. It requires and helps us facilitate mindfulness and awareness to every moment and what is happening in body and mind in those moments (even the moments where one or the other cannot manage an asana class). Doing yoga can happen on days when absolutely no asana is done, and it’s certainly possible to do some of the physical postures without ever doing yoga.

So, I know that yoga is not a check box item. I struggle with it sometimes, but I believe it. And that belief, on most days, is enough to keep it off the to-do list and just in the to be.

On Passing Time, Missing Mamas, and Moving Into What’s Next

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1988

November 2012

It’s my birthday today. I suppose “ladies” aren’t supposed to be willing to share how old they are, but I’m not particularly conflicted about it. I’m 47 today.

In some ways, I can’t believe that I’m this age. It seems like just a minute ago I was in college, trying to decide what to do with my life. And then a minute later, I was having my first child. And then I finished grad school and got a teaching job. Then suddenly, here I am a dean with 3 adult children and 3 other teens. I catch myself in the mirror now and then when I’m not expecting it, or see myself in an unfamiliar way (like in an flipped picture or upside down), and I’m surprised at the fact that the middle -aged woman I see is me. I still feel like I’m maybe not old enough to have kids and someone is going to figure it out soon, or not old enough to be a dean, and eventually I’ll get caught.

In other ways, it feels like I’ve done so much in these 47 years. I’ve raised – with my spouse and the help of others – 110 years worth of kids (it’s the new math). I’ve gotten several degrees and some certifications. I’ve seen a LOT of Tom Petty concerts. I’ve written a lot, read even more. I’ve enjoyed the ups (mostly) and downs (some) of two decades of marriage to a great man. It’s a whole bunch of stuff.

I’ve always heard that to know what a woman will be like in the future you should look at her mother. And, while I don’t necessarily think that is accurate, there is certainly something to be said about reflecting on the path of your parents’ lives to see where yours might go, and I’ve always compared my life and my self to my mom at the same age.

My mother died in 1993, at the age of 47. So, as I approach the end of the timeline where I can compare, I am missing my mother quite a lot. I wonder how her life would have been at 50 or 60. I am wishing that she was here to tell me what she thinks of where I am at 47 and where I should go.

I am lucky, however, to have had others who mothered me in the years before and since. My grandmother, Loran, was a second mother to me as a child and into adulthood, and I was able to watch her life course over many years (she died at 90 and we were able to spend 43 years together) and see myself in her. My step-mother, Kathie, has also provided me with that vision of womanhood and time. And there are many other women who have served as examples and points of reference for me.

So, now, as I start a new year, I wonder what is next for me, and where I’m going from here. I know (I think) about some things, like the nutrition consultant certification that I’m getting (hopefully by the end of the summer), and upcoming  yoga workshop events. I know which children are graduating from what grades this year, and basically where they are headed and I know those changes will change my parenting. I have some clues about what might unfold in my career(s), but it’s all rather murky right now. Mysterious… in a good way.

Off we go into the 48th year of my life. It’s ok with me to be 47. I’m looking forward to seeing how this year blossoms.

Tension, a Project(ion) of Perfection

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I’m having trouble managing my tension.

My tension is uneven.

Sometimes I’m so tight that I can barely move.

Sometimes I’m so loose that I seem to slip right off track.

This is a post about knitting, and also it isn’t.

I’m learning to knit right now. I would say that I’m teaching myself to knit, but that really isn’t true. A whole great group of people who have been so kind as to share tutorials and information online are teaching me to knit. I’m just learning it. But, the tension is a thing. It’s not a problem I have had that much with crochet, so this is a new one on me.

I’ve had a stomach bug twice lately (or maybe food poisoning the second time). In between and since, my stomach has just been in some state of continual churning. I suspect it’s a reflection of my mind. The tension is a thing. It’s a problem I have had before, so this is not a new one for me.

I’m having trouble managing my tension.

I have some ideas about all of this.

I’m pretty sure that it will work itself out in the yarn over time, as I let go a little and stop trying so hard. I’m pretty sure it can all work itself out in my mind and my body if I can let go a little and stop trying so hard to be perfect.

I’m pretty sure that one of the things I need to let go of is worry about the mistakes that have already been made. There is a row of knitting right now in this project that is about 10 rows back and too loose. I could rip back to that row and reknit it, but I’m pretty sure there will be another imperfection before I finish the 10 rows again. I have recently made what feels like a big mistake at work, just a few “rows” back. I can’t rip out these days and redo them. Even if I could, making a different choice or doing a different thing might well have had other negative ramifications that I can’t see clearly from here.

I’m having trouble managing my tension. I need to let it go.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything,
That’s how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen