Tag Archives: ego

Not Giving it My “All”

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This summer, I had some MRI testing done for an issue related to tremors.  It was a little scary at the time, but the final diagnosis wasn’t too traumatic.  However, the tests did reveal a hemangioma and 3 disc bulges (one neck and two lower back) on the spine.  Being a well-behaved yoga student, I discussed the results with my primary instructor, Beth, and she made some recommendations for my practice.  First, she suggested that I hold off on headstand for a while, and limit shoulder stand (using blankets and staying up for shorter times).  Second, she asked me to try to avoid a lot of stressing of the lower back by rounding, instead working on greater length in that area.  She made specific suggestions for that including bending knees more in forward folds, really working on the belly to spine during asana, and (the most DAH DAH DUUUUUUUM! for me) using plank pose instead of caturanga during vinyasa.

My first reaction was something like “Ok, bend knees, got it.  No catur – WHAT?”  For me, caturanga is one of those poses that I do and feel like I am super strong.  The idea of not doing it at all during a practice was not happy-making.  But, I really respect and trust this teacher, and her reasoning made absolute sense, so I thought I should try it. The first class, it was hard to remember, and I felt conspicuous and a little aggravated.  But, my back did feel somewhat better afterward, and my belly felt more engaged.

The next week, my chiropractor also suggested maybe no plow, careful with any shoulderstand, and care with deep side twists (particularly where legs are uneven) watching for any pain and stopping if so.  So, I had another list of things to consider.

Since then, I’ve been bending knees for every fold, planking every caturanga, and limiting inversions to pinca myurasana, handstand, and legs up the wall.  And, over the  course of a few classes, I’ve gotten much more ok with it.  Yes, I know that I could push and go into those folds without bending.  I know I could barrel through a bunch of caturangas.  I know that I could do headstand for a few minutes, even if it wasn’t so comfortable.  But, I’m not.  And that’s ok.  I certainly would never want my students to hurt themselves for the sake of a pose, so I need to be able to get my ego out of my way for my own well-being.

Caturanga will be there when and if it is appropriate to get back to it.  Where do you hold back in your asana practice for the good of your physical body?

Namaste,

L

Sure, I Will Try!

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An interesting, but possibly frequently unstated, benefit of a regular yoga practice, is that it changes one’s understanding of risk.  I’ve always been a rather timid person, in terms of

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physical challenges.  I would bow out of trying new things, or engaging in things I didn’t do regularly.  For example, at 44, I’ve never been on a pair of skis – snow or water.  At first, I was the same in my asana practice.  If a pose looked hard or scary, I would just sit down and watch, without really trying it at all.  But, gradually, something changed.  I began to be more and more willing to jump in and give a pose a try, even if I was pretty confident it was beyond my reach.  My most said phrase with regard to new pose challenges tends to be “sure, I’ll try.”  Arm balance?  Sure.  Inversion?  Ok.  Weird twisty bindy thing?  I’ll give it a whirl.

Some of this is probably body related.  I’m stronger and more flexible, so I have greater confidence in what my body can do.  Things that previously seemed impossible now seem less so.  But, it’s not just that, because I’m willing to try even poses that I’m pretty sure are not possible, as long as they don’t start to feel like they are actually creating injury.  I think that part is psychological and probably completely related to the impact of yoga on the ego.  I’m just not as worried about failing in a pose as I used to be.  I can more appreciate the effort as the goal.  I guess I don’t need to “win” so much.  Giving it a good solid try seems like a wonderful thing.

Overall, I guess I would say my perception of risk for physical things has changed.  I see less risk physically, but I also see less risk to the self.  Now, don’t get me wrong, as a lifelong perfectionist, I have a way to go here, but it’s pretty cool seeing the change happen.  Almost time for class.  Wonder what I’ll get to try today?

Oh, Yogi! Who’s Zoomin’ Who?

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In teacher training yesterday we considered the second of the Yamas (restraints), which is Satya – truth or non-lying.  Our conversation of Satya was quite interesting and I could think of many examples where I am not fully truthful (as I think we all can).  Often, for me, being untruthful occurs in an attempt to protect my face (the image I want to present to the world) or the face of others – more on that later.  So, I woke up today in the right frame of mind to think about Satya as I went through my day.

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Having gotten the kids up and off to school, I quickly hit a road block.  I have been having a flare-up of rheumatoid arthritis this week, because of a combination of a change in weather, hormonal shifts, and being off of two medications that I normally take.  The result is that my joints are very sore and feel simultaneously really tight and really loose (in a bad way).  The pain associated with this also causes nausea, compounded by a lovely little sinus issue, and I haven’t been eating much either.  So, the upshot is that I’m not feeling so hot.

The decision before me today was whether or not to attend a 9:30 Vinyasa class.  As I went through the rest of my morning leading up to the time when I really had to get ready, I was thinking about teacher training class the night before.  So, when time came to make a choice, I found myself in an interesting conundrum.  On the one hand, I could go to class – but then was I lying to myself about whether this was right for me and overdoing in a way that could be bad?  On the other hand, I could stay home and rest a bit before work – but then was I lying to myself about what I was capable of and not stretching my boundaries in the way needed for growth?  Hmm…  I went back and forth and back and forth and finally, as time got late, just put on my yoga outfit and headed out.  Great!

I would love to now tell you that this was absolutely the right decision and that the class helped me feel better.  But, I cannot tell a lie (ha!).  By 10 minutes in, I knew that this wasn’t working out.  I got through, spending a good amount of time in Child’s Pose or Adho Mukha Svanasana.  That’s ok, but even then, I was somewhere in between crying and yarking the entire class.  It just was so not pretty.  I couldn’t really concentrate on the poses because I was so busy concentrating on not physically falling apart.  And, as you might guess, there was no calm to be found.

So, great.  I made a choice in an effort to not lie, but it turned out that it wasn’t that simple.  How was I to know what choice to make?  I’m still not sure about that, but in reflecting on the whole situation, I am pretty sure that this all came down to an issue of Asmita (egoism or an attachment to a particular “self”).   I reduced the options I had to two in my mind (stay or go – might there have been another? – I think so) and then attempted to make sense of them through this lens of Asmita.  It kind of ended up as a question of:  Should I stay home, which signifies my being “honest” about my physical state, and therefore a good yogi?  Should I go, which signifies my willingness to work hard at this practice, and therefore be a good yogi?  If I stay home, does that mean I’m lazy and a bad yogi?  If I go, does that mean I’m not hearing my body and a bad yogi?

Yikes!  No matter how you slice it, I am pretty sure I was being overly interested in this image of myself (for myself or for others) as a good yogi.  That’s not very good yogi of me…  This craziness is made all the more crazy by the fact that I knew on one level that I was in danger of practicing because of need for a particular self-image.  But, I hadn’t parsed it out enough to see that there was a whole other level of the same Klesa going on there.  Oh, this is such a process, eh?  Learned patterns of behavior or thinking are so hard to unlearn.  But, that doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying.

Namaste,

L