Tag Archives: acceptance

Family – An Exercise in Acceptance, and Love

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This is not my family 🙂 I didn't want to put up a picture of all the kids without parental permission. But, this looks like a nice family from 1911.

I am heading home tonight from a week spent in Indiana with my family.  In this case, family means 5 of my children (ages 11 – 20) and 15 or so siblings, parents, nieces and nephews.  It was a wonderful week and an interesting one to be sure.  When my Indiana family and I get together, I can’t help but be struck by the variety of people in the group.  We had family members under 3 to (ahem) over 65 talking and playing games.  There were vegans, vegetarians, omnivores, carnivores, and pickyvores.  The group included Catholics, Episcopals, Presbyterians, agnostics, and at least one Buddhist.  There were some with very liberal political views, some very conservative, and some in between.  There was at least one serious pacifist and one gun-toting proponent of the right to bear arms.  There were runners, walkers, yogis, bicyclers, iron pumpers, and sit-on-the-porchers.

You would think that this amount of difference might result in a lot of bickering or anger, but it didn’t.  Sure, there was the usual sibling fussing, spousal differences of opinion, periodic sighs or eye-rolling, and little disagreements here or there, but they were minimal and they passed quickly due to the overall attitude of acceptance in the group.  Even in the areas where the range of beliefs is broadest, people listened (mostly) patiently and showed much respect for each other’s viewpoints.  This was very clear to me so often across the week and it made me smile, inside and out, to see how far acceptance and loving kindness can go toward creating a beautiful environment.

As I (probably the most liberal person in the group), sat with my father (probably the most conservative) talking politics over coffee for several hours across the mornings, I could see this in action.  As a group of 17 people sat around a kitchen table creating gang names for everyone and working up a script for a future sit-com (it’s a long story) and laughing until we hurt, I could see it.  As I watched an almost 21-year-old young man play almost endless games with his 6 year old female cousin, there it was.  When I heard many omnivore members of the family being solicitous and concerned about the care and feeding of the three vegans in attendance, I saw it.

I can’t say we always get along as well as we did this week.  We have the usual family issues.  But, I think it is the general willingness to accept each other for who we are that makes it all work in the end.  I know my family isn’t unusual in this.  Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could take this loving acceptance that we show for those closest to us and spread it more broadly?  What would that world be like?

Namaste,

L

Judgment and Acceptance in the Vegan Community – VeganMoFo 28

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We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.
~ Paulo Coelho

To judge others is, to a large degree, inevitable.  As humans, we make decisions about how to respond to those around us by evaluating their behavior and even their motives, and then responding accordingly.  However, there is, I believe, a qualitative difference in the types of judgments we make.  Sometimes we are making judgments of others based on how their actions specifically and directly impact us, or based on what they have told us of their motives.  Other times, we are making judgments of others based on our standards of right/wrong and good/bad behavior.  Again, this is probably just our humanness in action.  But, I think most of us would agree that there are some things we need to not judge others about – things that involve personal choices and personal moralities.  And, there are other instances where we may have a good reason to feel a particular judgment, but that does not mean that we must say it, because in the saying we accomplish little but diminishing the person who we have judged and there isn’t much value in that.

Lately, I have noticed a significant amount of judging going on in the vegan community.  This has been interesting for me, because before I was much engaged in social media, I had never encountered a vegan who was harsh in his/her outward critique of omnivores or vegetarians, and I was flummoxed when the omnis around me would mention such behavior.  I only knew vegans who were committed to their own choice and willing to help others work toward it if they so desired.  But, now I’m starting to get what they were talking about.

I became vegan because it was the right choice for me, and because others (in books, in life, online) had offered me persuasive, but not accusatory, information about non-meat animal products.  I’m happy that I made this choice.  But, I’m not as sure that I would have done it in response to someone berating me for not being vegetarian enough or telling me that I might as well eat meat if I wasn’t going to be all vegan. I suspect I would have closed up (out of anger, and probably some guilt) and not even considered veganism as an option.

It seems to me that there is little value in browbeating other vegans or vegetarians in public settings for not embodying the principles or philosophies of veganism in exactly the way that we hope/think that they should.  Even if one believes that the ultimate goal should be no utilization of animals for anything ever, isn’t it better if an individual is moving in that direction than if he/she gets shut down in the path by public humiliation?

My opinion, and it is only mine but it does and will inform the choices I make online, is that the best thing we can do, as vegans, is to keep the information flowing and support one another in the process, regardless of where we might be in it.  So, while I’m not going to eat an egg now and then as a treat, I’m not going to reject or scold someone who does, and I’m not going to dissociate myself from someone just because he/she has “imperfections.”   If I selected my friends and associates based on their degree of perfect adherence to my moral compass, I think I would be rather lonely.

There are certainly plenty of things that we can do to be active in promoting a vegan cause that don’t involve belittling others in a way that ultimately may work against our ends.  For me, the primary effort is in providing information, whether that be online or in face-to-face encounters, and giving support.  For someone else, that may be working for a vegan community group or starting a vegan restaurant.   It could be working for animal rescue or against corporate farming.   But, whatever we do, there have to be compatible ways that we can also offer acceptance and support to those working in the same direction that we are, even if they aren’t moving as fast or in the same way.

Be Like Water

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During a yin class on recent Sunday night, my instructor used the phrase “be like water” when describing how to surrender to a yin pose.  This was perfect for me, as I have recently read Old Path, White Clouds: Walking in the Footsteps of the Buddha by Thich Nhat Hanh.  The book inspired me to think about the nature of self (and selflessness) and the universal connection.  It also made me consider the notion of resistance.

I have to admit, sometimes I have a hard time getting a good grip on the concepts of Buddhism.  I think I have it, and then it slips away from me.  At several points in the book, the metaphor of the ocean is used as an explanatory mechanism, and that has really helped me to feel more comfortable with some of the ideas.  And, as I heard my instructor say “be like water,” I found my focus for the yin session meditation, and for this post.

In the ocean, there are many waves.  Each wave is “born from” the whole, yet remains a part of the whole. Each wave seems distinct from the others, with its own characteristics, but at the same time has no self that is not part of the totality of the ocean.  As each wave “dies” crashing on the shore, it returns to the pool of the whole and continues on in and endless cycle.  When I utilize this idea to help me think about the connection between all being(s), it becomes clearer to me.  It assists me in feeling my connection to others, which encourages a sense of universal love for all.  This is one way that I understand and utilize the phrase “be like water.”

In another sense, I think of being like water in terms of resistance.  Water does not resist, it flows into the spaces between; it moves into the openings without judgment.  Water also does not refuse what is offered into it.  As Buddha discussed, whether something “lovely” like a lotus flower or something “icky” like garbage is thrown into the water, it accepts without resistance.  I hope to cultivate such an attitude in my life, accepting – rather than resisting – what comes to me with calmness and openness.

I’m working on being more like water.  Care to join me?